It has been a really long time since I sat down to throw a blog up here. The idea of blogging is always wonderful, the follow through, more difficult that I thought! To all of those professional bloggers, I'm jealous! I would love to do that! I think my ADD is the thing that prevents it from happening the most.
Cranky Panky Mama Drama is back in full force. I keep praying that every time I have an attack it will be the last one. It's not fair that it keeps happening. (The Cranky Panky back story)
Last November I had a brutal attack, that sent me to the hospital where I gave everyone I love a good scare, and made the nurses work extra hard and call a code blue for me. So given that situation I'm not overly eager to return---- what happened last time, can very easily happen next time or on any future hospital trip, and that scares the crap out of me.
So last night, I was jarred awake in searing agonizing pain worse than I had felt in several months. I've been having pancreas pains constantly, but they have been bearable, tolerable and if they knock me out it's only for a couple days. This pain that I felt last night was that deep intense mid back, make you throw up constantly pain that is so familiar, but still terrifying. I know the difference between a pancreas pain that will work itself out, and a pain that is going to linger and cause hell for several days/weeks... sometimes more than a month. This is the one that is going to linger and cause hell. I even packed my hospital bag last night. That is usually the last thing I do. Luckily with the help of my husband, heat pads, medicine, steaming hot baths, and did I mention my wonderful husband? I was finally able to get the pain from a 14 (1-10 pain scale) back to a 8 or 9 and lay there with my eyes closed until I had to get up. Mostly I just sat there thinking about my options--- go to the hospital, or wait it out at home.
I have so many caring wonderful people in my life, and most of them wonder--- why aren't you going to the hospital!?!?! So that is really the entire point of this blog. Why do I put off the hospital--- until I can't stand it anymore. With Chronic Pancreatitis, there really isn't anything that they can do for me at the hospital except hook me up to IV's and pump heavy heavy narcotics through my veins at such high levels that most nurses have never seen in one single person. After over 4 years of this nonsense, my body has built up heavy tolerances, so it takes a lot to touch the pain. Having that much medicine pushed through me does help the pain, while I'm there, but I can't stay there---- and coming home and coming off the high levels of narcotics that are pushed through me while I'm in the hospital is quite possibly just as bad as the pancreas pain. I'm sure you have seen druggies going through withdrawal on tv, or in the movies--- yeah. It's about like that. For weeks. So I admit, that I do push the limit on how long I wait pretty much to the line, because usually when I leave, I end up dealing with an angry pancreas AND withdrawal and together, it's a whole new level of hell that I can't describe to anyone. I know that once I can no longer keep any liquids in, and I start to get dehydrated then I have to go, and I know that there are other symptoms that can pop up, that I can't ignore that I have to go to the hospital for, but even though it's terrible pain- there is sadly just nothing they can do about it but pump me up and let me lay in a hospital bed away from my family and away from my daughters birthday (which I've missed before because of this crap) and then miss my other daughters preschool graduation, and miss Little League games, and mothers day tea at school. That my friends just can't happen. I missed so much of their little lives already. It is all of those little moments that I'm refuse to miss that keep me out of the hospital as much as I can. Quite frankly--- it's those little moments that I'm not going to miss that get me out of bed on days like this. The fear in my kids eyes this morning because they knew how sick I was, and they asked me if I was going to be here when they got out of school makes me so sick an sad. It is too familiar a feeling for them to wake up in the mornings and I'll be gone, or to come home from school and I'll be gone and they won't see me again for weeks, except through video chat. I will avoid that at all costs--- there isn't anything that the hospital can do to fix me, except keep me comfortable. I'd rather be uncomfortable in pain at home, than alone in a cold hospital an hour away only to know that when I do get home, I'll be so sick for at least the following 2 weeks that I won't be able to leave my bedroom. I've learned to be tough. Tougher than I ever thought possible.
So thank you all for your kind words and your offers to help. I truly do appreciate it, and I might take you up on it. Right now, I just ask for prayers that I can deal with it long enough to let it pass without me having to go to the hospital, and miss my daughters 6th birthday, and miss my daughters preschool graduation and mothers day tea. Not to mention, the stress that it puts on my husband. Prayers please.
What is Pancreatitis?
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